Sandy Brosam is a courageous author and speaker; she has the ability to put her deepest thoughts and emotions into words. Having survived the death of two children, Sandy draws from 40 years of grief experience to help others move forward in their grief. She devotes a great deal of time on social networks in dialog with others providing support and help. Visit her website she developed for grief support named Grief Beach, for stories, poems, songs and empowering ideas. www.griefbeach.com
At age 21 my journey thru life became hard. I had to learn how to live without my first born child, with whom I had spent my life loving him from the time he was born. He was my life, or so I thought. As I sat there holding him, his body ripped apart by a guardrail , I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to let go of him. In mere seconds my life forever changed. They say some people have defining moments in their life, that was mine.
No more sweet innocence, no more dreams of what our family would be like, because it all shattered in a blink of an eye. I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, and terrified that she was hurt in the crash, and would die too. So even the excitement of bringing a new life into the world was now turned to worry. My entire family was now broken, on both sides, my husband and his family and mine. We healed to a degree, but we were never the same, and my marriage eventually fell apart.
The last 40 years have been a crazy path of detours on this road of life.
I lived thru all the deep depression, and truly it was my other children who kept me sane. I talk about that in my books.
Life taught me to be strong, and how to hide my feelings from others, to wear that “I’m OK Mask” but it also taught me to be kind and compassionate to others, as we all have struggles, and hide behind that mask.
I also learned not to be so defiant when feeling like it all was taken away, and scream “what else ya got, bring it dammit” because the Universe, God, All That Is, will indeed bring it.
When my heart was finally in a good place, and I was happy, my daughter was healthy, I had another son, and then was blessed with my fourth child, he was such a sweet baby, full of love and laughter. But he was born with brain cancer that took over and destroyed his life. His last 4 months of life were pure hell, so much pain. I felt like the universe was punishing me, as he too got his wings after 3 months of torture know as cancer treatment for kids in the 1980’s.
The Universe had indeed “brought it”.
I was now almost 30, so I had grown up a little, and knew what was ahead with the grief, so this time I was able to move thru the fog of grief in a better way.
I learned how to write my feelings down, and this is where my books come from, my life, my heart, my love and my loss.
I am often asked how I can be who I am today, the happy, energetic, positive person who “sprinkles random acts of kindness” along the way. My response is that it took a while for me to learn that it is I who chooses how my life will be each day I wake up.
For a long time I felt trapped in the grief, I could not control the events that created the grief, and I didn’t understand how to control the way I reacted to those events. I was just broken…
I was once asked by a young woman holding her newborn baby…
“What is the hardest thing about being a mother”?
I told her not being one… and turned and walked away as the tears quietly escaped my eyes.
I am the mother of four children, Mindy & Billy who are healthy young adults, and two children who have died, Terry & Brandon.