In learning how to live after loss,

I walked thru those Fires of Hell, twice.

I had to learn how to create positive thoughts

to push out the negative.

It was difficult to do,

when I felt so broken.

This page, is where I will link to pages that apply to creating a positive attitude in your new life after loss.. I am certainty not the same woman who got in her car on a hot August day with her 2 year old son, to bring donuts to Grampa’s House. As I grew and evolved as an adult, I realized that there was no one coming to save me, to take away my pain, to make everything OK.

I had to save myself.

I made this guide below to remind myself to always move forward, never again getting stuck in the whirlpool of pain that was sucking the living part of my life out of me. I was merely existing. It serves no purpose to remain stuck in the pain forever. My lessons were just plain ugly, I had to move away from the pain before it completely destroyed me.

• What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. Dealing with your rage and fear and pain will give you life. Acknowledge the emotions, and then let it go.

• You define your own life. Don’t let other people tell you how to grieve. It is ok to be sad; the tears have to come to wash away the deep, raw pain. It takes as long as it takes.

• The ugly details of the death have no power over the present. Only you give it power. You push the pain out with love memories every time it comes back.

• When people hurt you with their own fears and terror that it could be them, take a breath. Rise above the pain, and forgive their ignorance.

• Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you. Love the ones who are still here, and let them love you.

• What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe. If you believe that you cannot move forward thru your grief without your loved one, you won’t. You will stay in the darkness until you BELIEVE you can go on.

• Change your thoughts from how much you miss your loved one to how thankful you are for having them in your life. Learn to celebrate their life, not mourn their death.

• The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give. When you withdraw into your pain, you cannot love the ones who love you. You simply just exist in the pain.

• If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie. Be still and listen to your inner voice.

• Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter. It is so easy to hate yourself and the world you live in after the death of a loved one. Don’t let guilt rule your life. Realize that you are left behind for a purpose, and LIVE your life.

• Let passion drive your lifepath. Every day you wake up is a gift, live it to the fullest. You cannot go backwards to happier times, so move forward and make new memories.

• Love doesn’t hurt. It feels really good. Let the love you have enrich the love you had.

• Every day brings a chance to start over. If you were overcome with grief yesterday, that’s OK, today is a new day. Allow yourself to find peace when the going gets rough.

• Being a mother or father is a hard but rewarding job, not being one changes you forever. Learn to live with who you are. Become bigger than your pain.

•  When you don’t know what to do, be still. The answer will come.

• Know that this deep gut wrenching pain will pass, and peaceful acceptance will come.

Give yourself an Angel Hug!

I created this as a way to help myself and my kids when it felt like the emotions were headed out of control. For myself it was a reminder to open my hands and my heart and concentrate on the love. When I was in public, and felt that emotional storm blowing in, I would do a “mini hug” and with my right hand reach over and lay it on my heart, and take a deep breath. I could then know that I was in control, not the pain. People would just think I was having heartburn (it actually was a type of heartburn).

I have built a page on the Angel Hug story, click below:

Angel Hugs

Self-talk and Thoughts!

In the beginning, it was so painful, so raw, so real. My self-talk was all about how much it hurt, how badly I wanted my son back, how un-fair life was, and how my life indeed “sucked”. I was keeping myself in that deep dark hole, not knowing how to climb out. I searched for answers as to why, how, only to find out the roadway I was driving on, was banked incorrectly, the guardrail I hit had every other post loose to allow breakaway, and it was sticking out like a knife not buried in the ground as required by law. Knowing this did not help me feel better. It did not take away the guilt, as I was the driver, it allowed me to share the guilt with WA state, who had in turn billed me for the cost of replacing the guardrail I hit. So my anger turned to rage… I had all this emotion trapped in my being. I was 5 months pregnant, so I could not even let it all out, as when I cried hard I threw up. I was a mess. I felt like I was in a dark hole spiraling down into the depths of hell. I could not see any positive in my life. I was terrified my baby growing inside was hurt in the wreck. There was no way to tell way back then. I had lived a life of being a happy good natured person who helped others often. I had no deep dark secrets, why me? It was so hard to get out of all of that darkness. My heart goes out to anyone else battling the dark side of grief. It took years and lots of love and courage to climb out of the “fog of grief”. In order to do this, I needed to come to a place where I could accept my loss. The search to understand it was futile at first, I had gone to church as a child, believed in God, and had begged God to take me and let my son live while sitting on the side of the road with his broken body in my arms. I screamed at God… WHY? No answer. I began to question if there really was a God in the first place. Trying to understand and accept what has happened—is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. How we react to the cruel events in our lives truly defines who we are. I found that I was so much more than the heartbroken woman at age 21, but it took 8 years to get that way, then Brandon died. I had to reach way down inside my being to climb out of the hell of depression. It took all of my friends and family to help me stop the downward spiral, and without them I would have given up I encourage you to look for opportunities and to seek creative solutions to life’s challenges. Focus on what is possible and what is under your control. Focus on the love to push the pain out. When you fill your heart and soul with the memories of love and joy, there is not so much room for the pain. You will find the joy and fulfillment you seek. Also, it can allow you to become a beacon of light and hope to others. Seek out positive quotes on the internet, and don’t get sucked into all the negative threads on Facebook. Acknowledging the process is important, just don’t dwell there in the pain, focus on growth and healing. I made these ‘whisper” cards when I was feeling creative a while back. Positive in, positive out!

Nature’s Whispers

Grief Refrigerator

Anger Management